christmas pictures 2010

WOW Where does all the time go???

It just occurred to me tonight that my son is going to be a teenager in a few months. I am so not ready to let him grow up. I am not ready to be forgotten about. It seems like Justin doesn't want anything to do with me unless he wants or need something. I am his mom and he acts as if he has no clue who I am or just doesn't care anymore about spending time with his family. It's all about what Ashley wants. And Justin wonders why I act the way I do towards her. I feel like she took my son away from me. I don't want that to happen to Sean too. I want my boys to make me a part of their lives. I don't want to be that mom they forget all about until they need something from me. I hate this feeling.

My thoughts

So it's been awhile since I have decided to write anything. As always many things have changed. I had my surgery and it's been over a year now and I am feeling good I am down to a 138 pounds. I would like to loose the 8 pounds but don't think its going to happen. I have been spending a lot of time alone with the kids at home or just me alone. I can't help but wonder if maybe Marcie was right and I have changed a lot since I had the surgery. I don't think I have and the people I ask tell me no. But I feel like that maybe I act different or something, I don't really hear from Claudette anymore and I kind of feel like I have done something wrong or is it just that things have changed and our priorities are different then they were before. Who knows , I Just wish I could figure it out.

I hate feeling like I have done something wrong to everyone around me.

It's almost Christmas and as usual I am feeling blue. I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes me feel this way. Every time I hear about Laura's baby I want to cry I know what she is going through and it brings back all those memories of when Thomas and Nick were first born and in the Nicu. I have been thinking about a lot of people lately Like Marcie and Jane people I don't talk too anymore and wondering what went wrong. I found Jane of Facebook and sent a message and said I was sorry. I let her know how I feel. I did get a response back it was about what I expected. It's OK I didn't think a whole lot was going to change. I was able to say what I wanted and moved on. Wished them both a Merry Christmas and left it at that.

Marcie on the other hand is a different story. I wont say I'm sorry cause I am not and I will not apologize for it.That wasn't my fault and I will not have anything to do with her right now.

I really miss my mom, After spending the week with her and then having to come home made me feel very depressed. I wish we didn't live so far apart.I think thats where all this depression feelings come from. I have way too much time with my thoughts. The boys are doing their own things around the house they don't really talk to me much. Sean works a lot and his busiest time of the week just happen to fall on my days off. I miss him a lot when he is gone. I think that I need to have more adult interaction. I spend way too much time with kids or alone. It's Friday night and I wanted to be in bed almost an hour ago but it's way too early and the kids are still up.

I have way too many things going through my head at one time to even get this out and it makes sense. Good thing no one reads what I write about. Well it's off to do something else now maybe go clean my room and watch a movie for awhile.