my dad

here is my therapy. I am got to get it all out so maybe I can get my mind straight. I have gotten the worst news that anyone on this earth I think could get. My brother called me at 11:00 Friday night to tell me what happen with my dad. you know if anyone is calling you that late at night it's not going to be good news. I knew that my dad had been depressed and has had a lot going on with not being able to find a job and his bitch wife and family always putting him down. He cried to everyone for help but for some reason he never took the help. Thinking that everything was his fault my dad took his own life. I can't believe it i cant imagine the pain he must have been in.I am so mad and hurt angry and every other feeling i could possibly feel all in one. I just don't want to deal with anything I just want to hide out in my house and not deal with the outside world.

I hate Marie and her family and I wish for nothing but bad things for them. My dad killed himself and that dumb bitches dad is still talking shit to my family about everything my dad didn't do. How dare him who gives him the right to even say anything about my dad. this is their fault my dad would still be here today if they did drag him through the dirt every time they had the opportunity too. My dad is gone and it's their fault lord please give me the strength to keep my mouth shut if I ever come face to face with these people. I don't know that I could control my mouth or my anger at this point.

I can't even get my feelings and thoughts in the same order right now I feel lost I have a million different things going through my mind all at once and I cant get them in order or know what to feel. I have that numb feeling and I don't like it. I don't like the way I feel

How could my dad do this? how could he tell my aunt he would never hurt himself like that and then do just that? Why didn't he just walk away from them all including Marie we were all more than willing to help him and he didn't take the help. How could she have so much power over him that the rest of the peoples feelings not even matter enough to call one of us. one phone call to any family member and someone would have been there to get him in a heartbeat. I love you dad and I pray god has Mercy on your soul and you are able to rest in peace. I wish dad you would have picked up that phone just one last time and let us help you. we love you she didn't they sure in the hell didn't. you are our dad,grandfather, brother, son,friend too them you were just their stepping stone someone to blame for all the issues they had.We need you here we love pure unconditional love with no boundaries we love you for you and that's it. not for what you could have done for us or give us because you are who you are and for no other reason than that.
I love you daddy and I wish I could go back in time and get you and bring you home. things were not suppose to end this way. your journey in life was not suppose to end yet. we could love you until you could love yourself and beyond that. we will always love you for nothing else but for you being you. no expectations no strings attached. I hope you know this dad .I hope you can see that how much love we all have for you. I pray for your peace. I pray that when my day comes that you are there waiting for me with open arms that you have found peace withing your soul and that you know dad that we all love you for you and nothing more that that cause you are you. and that's allot to us cause you are our dad. I love you dad with all my heart. I hope where ever you are that you can see that. that you can read this and know that even through the hard time and the bad times that I never stopped loving you and I never will you were one of the most important men in my life and you will always continue to be. I am very proud to call you my dad i think you are an amazing and handsome man and I was proud you are my dad. I love you dad I always have and I always will.

christmas pictures 2010

WOW Where does all the time go???

It just occurred to me tonight that my son is going to be a teenager in a few months. I am so not ready to let him grow up. I am not ready to be forgotten about. It seems like Justin doesn't want anything to do with me unless he wants or need something. I am his mom and he acts as if he has no clue who I am or just doesn't care anymore about spending time with his family. It's all about what Ashley wants. And Justin wonders why I act the way I do towards her. I feel like she took my son away from me. I don't want that to happen to Sean too. I want my boys to make me a part of their lives. I don't want to be that mom they forget all about until they need something from me. I hate this feeling.

My thoughts

So it's been awhile since I have decided to write anything. As always many things have changed. I had my surgery and it's been over a year now and I am feeling good I am down to a 138 pounds. I would like to loose the 8 pounds but don't think its going to happen. I have been spending a lot of time alone with the kids at home or just me alone. I can't help but wonder if maybe Marcie was right and I have changed a lot since I had the surgery. I don't think I have and the people I ask tell me no. But I feel like that maybe I act different or something, I don't really hear from Claudette anymore and I kind of feel like I have done something wrong or is it just that things have changed and our priorities are different then they were before. Who knows , I Just wish I could figure it out.

I hate feeling like I have done something wrong to everyone around me.

It's almost Christmas and as usual I am feeling blue. I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes me feel this way. Every time I hear about Laura's baby I want to cry I know what she is going through and it brings back all those memories of when Thomas and Nick were first born and in the Nicu. I have been thinking about a lot of people lately Like Marcie and Jane people I don't talk too anymore and wondering what went wrong. I found Jane of Facebook and sent a message and said I was sorry. I let her know how I feel. I did get a response back it was about what I expected. It's OK I didn't think a whole lot was going to change. I was able to say what I wanted and moved on. Wished them both a Merry Christmas and left it at that.

Marcie on the other hand is a different story. I wont say I'm sorry cause I am not and I will not apologize for it.That wasn't my fault and I will not have anything to do with her right now.

I really miss my mom, After spending the week with her and then having to come home made me feel very depressed. I wish we didn't live so far apart.I think thats where all this depression feelings come from. I have way too much time with my thoughts. The boys are doing their own things around the house they don't really talk to me much. Sean works a lot and his busiest time of the week just happen to fall on my days off. I miss him a lot when he is gone. I think that I need to have more adult interaction. I spend way too much time with kids or alone. It's Friday night and I wanted to be in bed almost an hour ago but it's way too early and the kids are still up.

I have way too many things going through my head at one time to even get this out and it makes sense. Good thing no one reads what I write about. Well it's off to do something else now maybe go clean my room and watch a movie for awhile.

Just under 48 hours away

Well I am going to have my surgery in just less than 48 hours. I just got back from my pre opp appointment. Wow I am getting a little nervous about this whole thing. I want to get this weight off of me but it makes me so nervous to do this. I think its just the jitters about the whole thing. I am worried that some thing is going to go wrong and I wont be here with my family. well I guess if it happens I just want everyone in my family to know that I loved them and please dont morn my death but celebrate my life. And please tell my boys everyday that I love them with all my heart and they all ment the world to me. Including my nephews. Tell them to always to dream big and set their goals high in life. I know they all could do anything in life if they put their minds to it. Someone please tell sean how much I really do love him. And tell him I said dont worry. I will never leave his side not even in death. to look to god and to brother Ben they will all get him through anything. And to know that I left this earth with all I ever wanted in life and that was to know that he did truly love me. Ok so this sound a little much. but just in case something does go wrong and I dont make it out alive that my family knows how i really do feel.

But if I do make it and i am sure i will than I love you all and I will be home saturday!!!

missing my family

So my sister and my nephews came down to visit for a few days, I miss them sooooo much. It hurt to say goodbye to them when they left. It hurt even more to wake up this morning that they were gone. I wish they would just move home. It really does feel like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it every time i have to say goodbye. I really do have the best sister in the world and I would never trade her for nothing. I always feel complete when she is around. Like the world could tumble and it would be ok because I have my family with me. I cant wait until she moves home. Marcie,Jarred, Bryce and my mom all need to move closer to me. I miss them all very much that part of my heart has a hole in it and never feels complete when they are not with me. So to my sister and all my nephews I just want you all to know that i love you with all my heart and i miss you all more and more everyday that i don't get to see you. And to my mom you and Marcie both are my best friends i love you mom and i hope that some day we can get you to move here with us. you guys are the best family anyone could ever ask for and I love you all. I want to have my family complete I have a wonderful family here with my boys and my husband. But me and my heart still need you all too..

Our new home

We moved and I am so happy!! I love my new house there is room for all of us. we don't run into each other anymore. If it was ever was a way to fall head over heals in love with a house i did it! Its got the kitchen of my dreams plenty of room for the boys to play outside i have not heard not one time those stupid words I AM BOARD. we are going to invite everyone over for a small party to celebrate our new home I cant wait for everyone to come over.