christmas pictures 2010

WOW Where does all the time go???

It just occurred to me tonight that my son is going to be a teenager in a few months. I am so not ready to let him grow up. I am not ready to be forgotten about. It seems like Justin doesn't want anything to do with me unless he wants or need something. I am his mom and he acts as if he has no clue who I am or just doesn't care anymore about spending time with his family. It's all about what Ashley wants. And Justin wonders why I act the way I do towards her. I feel like she took my son away from me. I don't want that to happen to Sean too. I want my boys to make me a part of their lives. I don't want to be that mom they forget all about until they need something from me. I hate this feeling.

My thoughts

So it's been awhile since I have decided to write anything. As always many things have changed. I had my surgery and it's been over a year now and I am feeling good I am down to a 138 pounds. I would like to loose the 8 pounds but don't think its going to happen. I have been spending a lot of time alone with the kids at home or just me alone. I can't help but wonder if maybe Marcie was right and I have changed a lot since I had the surgery. I don't think I have and the people I ask tell me no. But I feel like that maybe I act different or something, I don't really hear from Claudette anymore and I kind of feel like I have done something wrong or is it just that things have changed and our priorities are different then they were before. Who knows , I Just wish I could figure it out.

I hate feeling like I have done something wrong to everyone around me.

It's almost Christmas and as usual I am feeling blue. I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes me feel this way. Every time I hear about Laura's baby I want to cry I know what she is going through and it brings back all those memories of when Thomas and Nick were first born and in the Nicu. I have been thinking about a lot of people lately Like Marcie and Jane people I don't talk too anymore and wondering what went wrong. I found Jane of Facebook and sent a message and said I was sorry. I let her know how I feel. I did get a response back it was about what I expected. It's OK I didn't think a whole lot was going to change. I was able to say what I wanted and moved on. Wished them both a Merry Christmas and left it at that.

Marcie on the other hand is a different story. I wont say I'm sorry cause I am not and I will not apologize for it.That wasn't my fault and I will not have anything to do with her right now.

I really miss my mom, After spending the week with her and then having to come home made me feel very depressed. I wish we didn't live so far apart.I think thats where all this depression feelings come from. I have way too much time with my thoughts. The boys are doing their own things around the house they don't really talk to me much. Sean works a lot and his busiest time of the week just happen to fall on my days off. I miss him a lot when he is gone. I think that I need to have more adult interaction. I spend way too much time with kids or alone. It's Friday night and I wanted to be in bed almost an hour ago but it's way too early and the kids are still up.

I have way too many things going through my head at one time to even get this out and it makes sense. Good thing no one reads what I write about. Well it's off to do something else now maybe go clean my room and watch a movie for awhile.

Just under 48 hours away

Well I am going to have my surgery in just less than 48 hours. I just got back from my pre opp appointment. Wow I am getting a little nervous about this whole thing. I want to get this weight off of me but it makes me so nervous to do this. I think its just the jitters about the whole thing. I am worried that some thing is going to go wrong and I wont be here with my family. well I guess if it happens I just want everyone in my family to know that I loved them and please dont morn my death but celebrate my life. And please tell my boys everyday that I love them with all my heart and they all ment the world to me. Including my nephews. Tell them to always to dream big and set their goals high in life. I know they all could do anything in life if they put their minds to it. Someone please tell sean how much I really do love him. And tell him I said dont worry. I will never leave his side not even in death. to look to god and to brother Ben they will all get him through anything. And to know that I left this earth with all I ever wanted in life and that was to know that he did truly love me. Ok so this sound a little much. but just in case something does go wrong and I dont make it out alive that my family knows how i really do feel.

But if I do make it and i am sure i will than I love you all and I will be home saturday!!!

missing my family

So my sister and my nephews came down to visit for a few days, I miss them sooooo much. It hurt to say goodbye to them when they left. It hurt even more to wake up this morning that they were gone. I wish they would just move home. It really does feel like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it every time i have to say goodbye. I really do have the best sister in the world and I would never trade her for nothing. I always feel complete when she is around. Like the world could tumble and it would be ok because I have my family with me. I cant wait until she moves home. Marcie,Jarred, Bryce and my mom all need to move closer to me. I miss them all very much that part of my heart has a hole in it and never feels complete when they are not with me. So to my sister and all my nephews I just want you all to know that i love you with all my heart and i miss you all more and more everyday that i don't get to see you. And to my mom you and Marcie both are my best friends i love you mom and i hope that some day we can get you to move here with us. you guys are the best family anyone could ever ask for and I love you all. I want to have my family complete I have a wonderful family here with my boys and my husband. But me and my heart still need you all too..

Our new home

We moved and I am so happy!! I love my new house there is room for all of us. we don't run into each other anymore. If it was ever was a way to fall head over heals in love with a house i did it! Its got the kitchen of my dreams plenty of room for the boys to play outside i have not heard not one time those stupid words I AM BOARD. we are going to invite everyone over for a small party to celebrate our new home I cant wait for everyone to come over.

My Baby Boys

Thomas and Nicholas turned 8 years old on march 30Th. Even though that is there birthday this week I feel like we have more to celebrate about their life than we do on their birthday. See march 27,2001 is the date Nicholas was released from the hospital and got to see the world for the first time in his life. He was 8 weeks old and just 6 pounds. It was the longest 8 weeks of my life. But one of the hardest things i had to do was take Nicholas home and leave Thomas at the hospital. But just two days later Thomas got to see the world for the first time. he also was just a 6 pounds at 8 weeks old. they had grown so much in those 8 weeks from the two pounds and three pounds they were at birth. now they were the size of small new Born's.
I was so nervous to have them both home. I was now responsible for the well being of two babies that had been sick for so long. I remember thinking when i had them both home with me that i was suppose to still be pregnant with them. they were do on June 8Th and there it was the end of may and they were already two months old. I look at them now as i type this and i just want to cry. There were so many times they could have died and they didn't. they truly are my miracle babies. they have no clue what happen to them as a new born they don't even know how important this week is to me and that i feel that we should throw them a party for that battle they won for their lives just 8 short years ago. I really do have the most amazing kids. And I am glad that they are mine. Thank you Jesus for giving my baby boys the strength they needed to stay in this world. I love them with all that i am. So to you Nicholas and Thomas. Happy anniversary of your graduation days from the Good Samaritan NICU. I love you with all that I am!