Reba McEntire If I Had Only Known Tribute

letting it out

so tomorrow they are finally going to tell Marie what has happen to my dad. I wonder what she is going to do? I want to drive down to Carson city so bad. I don't know if I would even be able to talk to her. I wonder if she is going to let us bring my dad back home. I have so many things going through my mind I am not sure what I should do. I know I should wait and see what happens. In a way I kind of feel bad for her. she is fighting to stay alive and has no clue that thanks to her parents that my dad has ended his. How fucking cruel can people be. It took the mortuary to call the hospital and push for a decision before they finally said that she needs to be told. Doesn't she wonder where my dad is? what did they tell her for him being gone? she has to think that something is up.He is her husband I'm sure she has wondered why he hasn't even called. Is she ever going to know all the shit her parents did? Is she even going to care?

I'm sure she does care in her own way its not like she made my dad stay with her it was his choice but damn enough is enough. how can they live with themselves after the pain they caused my dad and Marie and all of us. I honest to god think that they don't even see what they have done to everyone. I pray that I never come face to face with her dad. i may say things that are not so nice and may end up getting myself in to a lot of trouble. Lord give me the courage and the strength to move on pass what I think are the errors of their ways and give me the courage to show that I can be the bigger person in all of this.

I love you dad and we are doing everything we can to bring you home. hang in there dad we will get you to where you belong.

I just wish I knew what was in that letter you wrote to us. I want to know what you had to say and tell you dad I'm not angry at you. I don't hate you and I know that you loved me and I loved you too. I want to know that dad. you are my dad my one and only and that not one person can ever take from me. Please know dad that I loved you no matter what. I was hurt but I was never angry and surly never ever hated you. I thought you were the most handsome and wonderful man I have ever had the pleasure to have in my life and I think that is why i was so hurt I wanted so bad to be daddy's little girl and I wasn't. I see it now that we are so much alike that we could not figure out how to change the hurt into new times and new memories. But Dad I love you and its OK. In my heart you are always the first man I ever loved you were my dad and you always will be. Thank you dad for you I am going to cherish every good memory we shared and forget all the hurt feelings I had cause I know now dad it really was that we were two of the same and that's what the real issue is.

my head is just spinning

As I sit here today still again waiting on news that maybe my brother has had some luck at all with my dad I still can't believe that he is gone. I cant believe that he took his own life. I am so fucken pissed off that marie is the one who gets the final say on what happens to my dad. If he did leave a suiside note leaving his children to decide what to do then why do we need her ok. her dumb ass family isnt even willing to tell her that he killed himself. I wonder that when they do are they going to own up to the fact that they helped driving him to the point of no return? do they even realized what they did? But her dad still has no trouble talking shit to my brother and my uncle saying how worthless he is. Well guess what assholes you guys made him that way. my dad was getting along just fine until he met Marie had a good job and had it for over 20 years. had a nice car that he loved and your dumb bitch had to come into his life and took him away from everything. What is that your goal in life is to see how many people you can destroy!

I pray that god has mercy on your soul your going to need it. I can't believe that you people can be so cold hearted. Do you people even realize that he has a large family that loves him and wanted nothing more than for him to come back to california with us. his mother, brothers, sisters, son,daughters and his grandchildren and his great granddaughter that he will never get to meet now. thanks allot for ruining our lives. I hope your happy for what you have done to my family!!! you people make me SICK!!!!

I will over come the lost of my dad and so will the rest of my family. you may have ruined my dad but you will not ruin the rest of us. God will get us through this and we will become stronger and wiser for this and while the pain of my dad will forever live in us the hurt will subside where we are able to cope with this everyday that we still roam this earth. His memory will live on in us forever.

I love you dad and I am so sorry things ended this way but please dad there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think of you or have you in my heart I LOVE YOU DAD. I always have and I always will. XOXOXOXOXO

my dad

here is my therapy. I am got to get it all out so maybe I can get my mind straight. I have gotten the worst news that anyone on this earth I think could get. My brother called me at 11:00 Friday night to tell me what happen with my dad. you know if anyone is calling you that late at night it's not going to be good news. I knew that my dad had been depressed and has had a lot going on with not being able to find a job and his bitch wife and family always putting him down. He cried to everyone for help but for some reason he never took the help. Thinking that everything was his fault my dad took his own life. I can't believe it i cant imagine the pain he must have been in.I am so mad and hurt angry and every other feeling i could possibly feel all in one. I just don't want to deal with anything I just want to hide out in my house and not deal with the outside world.

I hate Marie and her family and I wish for nothing but bad things for them. My dad killed himself and that dumb bitches dad is still talking shit to my family about everything my dad didn't do. How dare him who gives him the right to even say anything about my dad. this is their fault my dad would still be here today if they did drag him through the dirt every time they had the opportunity too. My dad is gone and it's their fault lord please give me the strength to keep my mouth shut if I ever come face to face with these people. I don't know that I could control my mouth or my anger at this point.

I can't even get my feelings and thoughts in the same order right now I feel lost I have a million different things going through my mind all at once and I cant get them in order or know what to feel. I have that numb feeling and I don't like it. I don't like the way I feel

How could my dad do this? how could he tell my aunt he would never hurt himself like that and then do just that? Why didn't he just walk away from them all including Marie we were all more than willing to help him and he didn't take the help. How could she have so much power over him that the rest of the peoples feelings not even matter enough to call one of us. one phone call to any family member and someone would have been there to get him in a heartbeat. I love you dad and I pray god has Mercy on your soul and you are able to rest in peace. I wish dad you would have picked up that phone just one last time and let us help you. we love you she didn't they sure in the hell didn't. you are our dad,grandfather, brother, son,friend too them you were just their stepping stone someone to blame for all the issues they had.We need you here we love pure unconditional love with no boundaries we love you for you and that's it. not for what you could have done for us or give us because you are who you are and for no other reason than that.
I love you daddy and I wish I could go back in time and get you and bring you home. things were not suppose to end this way. your journey in life was not suppose to end yet. we could love you until you could love yourself and beyond that. we will always love you for nothing else but for you being you. no expectations no strings attached. I hope you know this dad .I hope you can see that how much love we all have for you. I pray for your peace. I pray that when my day comes that you are there waiting for me with open arms that you have found peace withing your soul and that you know dad that we all love you for you and nothing more that that cause you are you. and that's allot to us cause you are our dad. I love you dad with all my heart. I hope where ever you are that you can see that. that you can read this and know that even through the hard time and the bad times that I never stopped loving you and I never will you were one of the most important men in my life and you will always continue to be. I am very proud to call you my dad i think you are an amazing and handsome man and I was proud you are my dad. I love you dad I always have and I always will.

christmas pictures 2010

WOW Where does all the time go???

It just occurred to me tonight that my son is going to be a teenager in a few months. I am so not ready to let him grow up. I am not ready to be forgotten about. It seems like Justin doesn't want anything to do with me unless he wants or need something. I am his mom and he acts as if he has no clue who I am or just doesn't care anymore about spending time with his family. It's all about what Ashley wants. And Justin wonders why I act the way I do towards her. I feel like she took my son away from me. I don't want that to happen to Sean too. I want my boys to make me a part of their lives. I don't want to be that mom they forget all about until they need something from me. I hate this feeling.

My thoughts

So it's been awhile since I have decided to write anything. As always many things have changed. I had my surgery and it's been over a year now and I am feeling good I am down to a 138 pounds. I would like to loose the 8 pounds but don't think its going to happen. I have been spending a lot of time alone with the kids at home or just me alone. I can't help but wonder if maybe Marcie was right and I have changed a lot since I had the surgery. I don't think I have and the people I ask tell me no. But I feel like that maybe I act different or something, I don't really hear from Claudette anymore and I kind of feel like I have done something wrong or is it just that things have changed and our priorities are different then they were before. Who knows , I Just wish I could figure it out.

I hate feeling like I have done something wrong to everyone around me.

It's almost Christmas and as usual I am feeling blue. I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes me feel this way. Every time I hear about Laura's baby I want to cry I know what she is going through and it brings back all those memories of when Thomas and Nick were first born and in the Nicu. I have been thinking about a lot of people lately Like Marcie and Jane people I don't talk too anymore and wondering what went wrong. I found Jane of Facebook and sent a message and said I was sorry. I let her know how I feel. I did get a response back it was about what I expected. It's OK I didn't think a whole lot was going to change. I was able to say what I wanted and moved on. Wished them both a Merry Christmas and left it at that.

Marcie on the other hand is a different story. I wont say I'm sorry cause I am not and I will not apologize for it.That wasn't my fault and I will not have anything to do with her right now.

I really miss my mom, After spending the week with her and then having to come home made me feel very depressed. I wish we didn't live so far apart.I think thats where all this depression feelings come from. I have way too much time with my thoughts. The boys are doing their own things around the house they don't really talk to me much. Sean works a lot and his busiest time of the week just happen to fall on my days off. I miss him a lot when he is gone. I think that I need to have more adult interaction. I spend way too much time with kids or alone. It's Friday night and I wanted to be in bed almost an hour ago but it's way too early and the kids are still up.

I have way too many things going through my head at one time to even get this out and it makes sense. Good thing no one reads what I write about. Well it's off to do something else now maybe go clean my room and watch a movie for awhile.